My amazing daughter

My Chloe is amazing. Yesterday she got up early and got ready to go off to 'adoption shop' for SA dog rescue to be a helper for the day. She's done this a few times as my parents are volunteers. She spends the day helping organise the pens for the dogs, patting them and making sure they're happy and getting them anything they need. She also helped my dad do the coffee run. Dogs are Chloe's "thing". Her Aspie obsession. Her walls are covered in dog posters, her shelves are filled with dog books and DVD's, there are sketches of dogs coming out of everywhere and she knows all there is for a ten year old to know. She has been talking about opening a dog boarding kennel when she's grown for as long as I can remember. Recently I suggested she be a veterinary nurse so she could take care of them and she thought this was brilliant. She has such a caring nature and when it's something she wants to do, isn't afraid to get her hands dirty or put in a bit of hard work. Last night after her big day, she went off to a sleepover. At 5am I got a phone call from her asking me to pick her up because she had an earache. She's never come home from a sleepover in her life so it must have been bad. I think it was just all too much for her. I put her in bed with Noah (20 months) and I. This morning when Noah woke, he was delighted to find her there and cuddled up to her with his arm firmly around her neck. It was very sweet. Chloe woke up and said that she felt much better but has gone back to sleep where I think she will stay for some time. It's so lovely to see my children act in such a caring way towards each other and outsiders as well. I'm very proud of them.

Cuteness

I've just been laying next to Noah (20 months), listening to him chuckling in his sleep. It's such a great age. He keeps randomly picking up clothes (like my jeans) and towels and putting them around his head or neck. Sebastian is 3 this month. He is at a point where he is old enough for his speech to be clear but little enough that what he has to say is amazing and cute. A few weeks ago he stole a whole loaf of bread, piled it up in front of him and wouldn't let me touch it. Last week he sat next to me and while staring at his hands said "my little hands are cold. They're little...they're mine". Last night in the car he started to cry and said that he'd lost his eyebrow. It's sad to think that one day they'll all be big and there will be no more cuteness.

To sleep perchance to dream...unless you're stressed.

I was at the Dr a few days ago and he asked me a random question. "do you dream?" he asked. If he hadn't asked me it never would have occurred to me that I had stopped dreaming. I hadn't given it any thought. Once he asked me it hit me... My dreams had gone away, probably for the last 3 months. "where have my dreams gone?!" I asked him slightly disturbed. He said that I'm probably so exhausted from the daily pressure that my brain was spending all it's time in a deeper sleep to cope. A place where you can dream but are unlikely to remember. Fascinating.
In other news, for the first time yesterday I took fluoxetine. I found the day so much easier to manage. Today I'm feeling quite positive. Hopefully this feeling can continue. I admit I like it.

Frustration

What if the children that I am trying sooo hard to help turn out like their aspie father anyway? What if the 'early intervention' counts for nothing in terms of general disposition, meltdowns and selfishness. Is it possible to teach children to not think of their own needs first? I haven't noticed that amongst the intervention strategies. What if we are so busy trying to get our kids to make eye contact and pay attention at school when really, if at all possible, we should be teaching them that your first thought in every situation shouldn't be 'what do I get out if this?'or 'can I be bothered with this issue'. Take aspie husband- despite constant forgetfulness, untidiness, aggression, constant critisism of myself and children, foul language and even the occasional man handling he has decided that I am not allowed to tell him I'm cross or show in anyway that I'm bothered by any of his behaviour. He has been saying 'You just go on and on' or 'Anna, I've tuned you out'. It doesn't matter how blatantly guilty he is, he doesn't want to know about it. Why? Because I have gotten angry or bothered too many times in the past and I've used up my quota. I kind of feel like he has more than used up his own quota of critisising and correcting. I also think that he fails to see that he continues to do the same things wrong and a lot of these things are really unacceptable behaviours. He's going to keep doing them but I'm just now not allowed to mention it. He's going to continue to critisise all of us but I am going to pretend he's perfect. "get out of jail free card" or what?! He gets to behave as bad as he likes, I'm not allowed to speak and apparently I brought it on myself for doing crazy stuff like HAVING EMOTIONS that didn't suit him. He can't see that the reason our disputes go on is because he keeps the conversation going around in a loop.
I despair for the kids because he says he is trying so hard but I see no sign of that. Is this what they are going to say to their loved ones? He yells, he swears, he's rude and he's extremely critical and he dictates but can only say "I have no control" and then continue telling me what I do wrong. He seems to like to give off the impression on Facebook that he really tries hard and wants to be supportive but shutting down communication so you don't have to take responsibility for your actions isn't supportive. It makes me feel frustrated, angry, desperate and miserable. It's just me copping all of the crap but having no ability to vent.. Hence the angry post. The rage has to go somewhere. Grr

Yet more negativity

Well what a day.. First I got an almost $1000 quote to have veterinary work done for our dog and it's not optional as he is pretty uncomfortable with an injury. Next I finally went to the GP about my obvious decline in mental health over the last few months. He suggested I start taking prozac and has referred me to a psychologist who specialises in Aspergers (which i don't have). The psych is actually the woman that my husband and children see and therefore she knows my situation. I'm not sure how to feel about this. It was suggested that I think of it as something I am doing for me (for a change) but I'm finding it hard not to feel resentful because it's my situation that has brought me here. I feel driven to it by those who are supposed to care about me. I haven't made a firm decision about what I will do yet but I guess I have to help myself in order to be the best parent I can be.

Taylen (6 with Aspergers and ADHD) had an assessment this afternoon with the OT. It was so hard to watch. He is an incredibly intelligent child and yet getting him to do even the smallest amount of tabletop work is like pulling teeth. It took us 10 minutes to get him to write the alphabet. He fidgeted, he made noises, he asked irrelevant questions but he didn't seem to be able to put pen to paper. I came away feeling completely drained and I think the appointment had the same effect on his teacher's aide. We just kind of stood there trying to console each other. The whole thing made me feel even more forced into trialling Ritalin as the Paed suggested. I feel like my aversion to medication is denying him an education. I feel guilty for considering it but even more guilty for rejecting it.

I also had an appointment with Autism SA to organise Noah's funding for his PDD-NOS diagnosis. While he is eligible for the money, he is not able to be registered for any services and will not be given help at school when he is older unless I can get his diagnosis "upgraded" to Aspergers when he gets a little older (he's 19 months now). It just doesn't seem right.

When I took Taylen to Joeys (scouts) tonight, I just found myself sitting on the sidelines staring at the floor. Usually I get involved as a parent helper. Tonight every parent in the room was standing with their child...except me. I just wanted to curl up in the corner and have a meltdown. I'm sure it was noticed but I just felt like I had nothing left to give to him or anyone else for today.

This special needs thing is a tough gig. Surely it's going to get easier as they get bigger. Here's hoping :)

Cuddly, cute toddlers

I've been loving hanging out with my 2 little people lately. Sebastian climbed up on my bed the other night, cuddled up and said "I love you". I think it's the first time he's been so affectionate. He's nearly 3 and usually keeps me at arms length while he is exploring the world but it turns out he likes me afterall.
Noah who is nearly 19 months has taken to wearing a bin on his head. It's sooo cute. He runs around all excited and absolutely refuses to take it off. Im not sure what he thinks it is but im letting it go for now.
Toddlers are so much fun.

Seb's head

Well in my haste to get to Chloe's school assembly on time because I promised I wouldn't miss it, I had to run into the supermarket to grab some rice milk to keep Noah and Sebastian quiet while we were there. I put Noah in the seat at the front of the trolley and put Seb into the big part. As I pushed up onto the escalator (the flat type) the trolley jerked and Seb fell head first onto the escalator with an incredible bang. The floor was obviously made of metal and it was in this pattern IIIIIIIIII. Two of the ridges stabbed into Sebastian's head and blood started pouring out. I was covered in blood and so was he. I felt like a horrible mother. He was breathing in short little gasps. I took him to the dr. He calmed down and they glued his head. I then raced to the school and amazingly hadn't missed Chloe's performance so at least one thing went right.
He seemed fine for the rest of the night but the following day he started vomiting, refusing food and being lethargic and sooky- all signs of concussion. So off to the hospital we go. They did a cat scan which Seb was fascinated by-"I'm going backwards" (as the bed automatically slid backwards into the machine). He insisted I take a photo. They said he had no bleeds and that he had a beautiful brain :)
The night however was not over because the dr picked up that Sebastian has a heart murmur. She obviously didn't like the sound of it because she made him have a chest x-ray, an ECG and has referred him on to a cardiologist. That appointment is still pending.
I've been trying to clean Seb's head a bit but he won't let me near it and I'm not pushing him. I know as parents we all have these things happen- babies roll off beds, toddlers touch fire places and kids fall of their scooters but when it's your kid it's hard not feel guilty and replay the event over and over. I could have taken an extra 30 seconds and gotten the pram out of the boot or I could have insisted he sat down in the trolley. Lesson learned I guess. I think I've apologised to him enough times. He was saying "I'm so sorry" to the floor when he bumped it which is exactly what I was continuously saying to him. Very cute. Kids are great fun.

Seb in the cat scan machine