How to train an aspie

I can see how that title might be a little offensive but hear me out. My kids watched how to train a dragon the other day- wonderful movie. It kind of reminds me of the Aspies in my house. They all thunder around yelling. They get angry quickly and they are so defensive which makes them rude- "I'll get you before you can get me". When I say "do this" in a stern, grumpy voice or "why did you do that?" in an annoyed tone, they immediately shut down and become difficult and defiant, this includes the aspie husband. When I say "hey, can we get this done really fast so we can do..." in a motivational style or happy voice..I actually get results. The same with starting my sentences with "I'm not angry but...". I realise more and more how much better it is to be calm and supportive towards them, to work with them. So easy to say. I'm pretty good at not yelling at the kids. I can diffuse a meltdown in half a moment as long as it hasn't gotten too far. Trying to do the same with Aspie Hubby, not so easy. I think it's because I'm not relying on the kids for anything. I need him to be the other adult and I often feel like he's not. I expect the kids to fight and set each other off- even NT kids do that. I can't tolerate their father causing them distress and winding them up because he can't calm himself down over trivial things. He knows that he has certain requirements and deficits due to his aspergers but won't accept the kids do too. He can't clean the kitchen in one go without getting distracted but master 6 (aspie/ADHD) should be able to clean his whole room in 10 mins without getting distracted, overwhelmed or angry. The hypocrisy drives me crazy. It's so much easier to forgive your child for yelling at you or upsetting the family. What will happen though when they are adults? If my boys marry, I hope they find a partner who is kind and forgiving and tolerant. If I want that for my boys, shouldn't I do that for my own husband? Shouldn't I be the kind of wife that I want for my sons? But how do you cuddle up to someone who has critisised you all day? How do you be best friends with someone who yells at you all the time? How do you forgive... Everyday for the same things? I guess it's just a matter of taking one day at a time. Sometimes I get it right and other days I feel bitter and it shows. Maybe though, if I'm willing to try to forgive him everyday, he could do the same for me.

On the hunt for services..

Another crazy day! I discovered that Sebastian can do physio at the hydrotherapy pool. I have put him on the waiting list. I have also put the 3 big kids on the waiting list for 'riding for the disabled'. I think they would get a lot out of it with all their sensory issues. They are all really good with animals and they do qualify to go (I asked quite specifically today if Aspergers was enough). I think they'll love it.
Today I got out a big blank canvas and got the kids (and the dog) to cover it with their handprints. It looks amazing. They decided to write on it "little hands, big dreams". Very cute.
On another happy note, I have managed to convince my father in law to come to kinder gym each week so that both of my little people have an adult to look after them. I think there is a lot to gain from kinder gym if you are on the spectrum. Lots of gross motor activities, one on one time with your mum (and/or grandpa in our case). Also they generally have some structured floor time which I think will be good for them as well as far as learning to sit in a circle, listen to the instructor etc.
I've been considering a Montessori childcare program for Sebastian. He's such a bright kid and I wonder if we should be getting him into a learning program now but I just can't make myself do it. I'm so worried about him feeling abandoned because he won't understand why I'm leaving. He hates being left. I hope that if I put him in kinder gym, take him to playgroup and put him in the crèche once a week at my time and of course spend lots of time with him at home- maybe I can give him everything he needs. He also does OT once a week with Autism SA which he loves. It's good because he has to take instructions from someone who isn't me (which he's not good at) and he's getting one on one attention. This is that "doing it all" thing I worry about. I Just hope I'm getting this right.

Doing it all.

How can I possibly do everything I need to for all 4 kids all the time? Gluten, dairy and additive free for all 4. Gross motor skills and muscle strengthening activities for Seb, fine motor activities for Taylen. Literacy practice for Chloe and on the hunt for a good Maths skills program. I'm trying to teach Noah not to be so dependent on me as he's so anxious. Not to mention the typical school homework, scout badges and general maintenance of 4 children. Throw in the many appointments and it feels like a never ending merry go round. There aren't enough hours in the day and I can't spread myself this thin amongst the kids. I need to split myself in 2.

The worst of it is the guilt. Judgement comes in at a close second. The raised eyebrow when I say "no I still haven't started taking Seb to physio", the look when I explain that I don't have time to help Chloe with her assignment or when Tay's reading log only has 2 entries for the week. I just can't seem to pull everything together at once. If they could just stop for a minute. If Noah could not wrap himself around my legs and Seb could not fight me on every decision I make and the meltdowns could stop and if they could just for a little while manage their own homework and take themselves to their appointments. If I could just get a break for a minute, I'm sure I could get back on top of it. These people don't need to raise their eyebrows at me because I already know what I haven't done and what the impacts are. Don't they know I'm doing the best I can?! Everybody wants to judge but nobody wants to help. It can't just be me. Surely there are more mothers than me shaking there heads wondering how their life turned out like this.