How to train an aspie

I can see how that title might be a little offensive but hear me out. My kids watched how to train a dragon the other day- wonderful movie. It kind of reminds me of the Aspies in my house. They all thunder around yelling. They get angry quickly and they are so defensive which makes them rude- "I'll get you before you can get me". When I say "do this" in a stern, grumpy voice or "why did you do that?" in an annoyed tone, they immediately shut down and become difficult and defiant, this includes the aspie husband. When I say "hey, can we get this done really fast so we can do..." in a motivational style or happy voice..I actually get results. The same with starting my sentences with "I'm not angry but...". I realise more and more how much better it is to be calm and supportive towards them, to work with them. So easy to say. I'm pretty good at not yelling at the kids. I can diffuse a meltdown in half a moment as long as it hasn't gotten too far. Trying to do the same with Aspie Hubby, not so easy. I think it's because I'm not relying on the kids for anything. I need him to be the other adult and I often feel like he's not. I expect the kids to fight and set each other off- even NT kids do that. I can't tolerate their father causing them distress and winding them up because he can't calm himself down over trivial things. He knows that he has certain requirements and deficits due to his aspergers but won't accept the kids do too. He can't clean the kitchen in one go without getting distracted but master 6 (aspie/ADHD) should be able to clean his whole room in 10 mins without getting distracted, overwhelmed or angry. The hypocrisy drives me crazy. It's so much easier to forgive your child for yelling at you or upsetting the family. What will happen though when they are adults? If my boys marry, I hope they find a partner who is kind and forgiving and tolerant. If I want that for my boys, shouldn't I do that for my own husband? Shouldn't I be the kind of wife that I want for my sons? But how do you cuddle up to someone who has critisised you all day? How do you be best friends with someone who yells at you all the time? How do you forgive... Everyday for the same things? I guess it's just a matter of taking one day at a time. Sometimes I get it right and other days I feel bitter and it shows. Maybe though, if I'm willing to try to forgive him everyday, he could do the same for me.