How to train an aspie

I can see how that title might be a little offensive but hear me out. My kids watched how to train a dragon the other day- wonderful movie. It kind of reminds me of the Aspies in my house. They all thunder around yelling. They get angry quickly and they are so defensive which makes them rude- "I'll get you before you can get me". When I say "do this" in a stern, grumpy voice or "why did you do that?" in an annoyed tone, they immediately shut down and become difficult and defiant, this includes the aspie husband. When I say "hey, can we get this done really fast so we can do..." in a motivational style or happy voice..I actually get results. The same with starting my sentences with "I'm not angry but...". I realise more and more how much better it is to be calm and supportive towards them, to work with them. So easy to say. I'm pretty good at not yelling at the kids. I can diffuse a meltdown in half a moment as long as it hasn't gotten too far. Trying to do the same with Aspie Hubby, not so easy. I think it's because I'm not relying on the kids for anything. I need him to be the other adult and I often feel like he's not. I expect the kids to fight and set each other off- even NT kids do that. I can't tolerate their father causing them distress and winding them up because he can't calm himself down over trivial things. He knows that he has certain requirements and deficits due to his aspergers but won't accept the kids do too. He can't clean the kitchen in one go without getting distracted but master 6 (aspie/ADHD) should be able to clean his whole room in 10 mins without getting distracted, overwhelmed or angry. The hypocrisy drives me crazy. It's so much easier to forgive your child for yelling at you or upsetting the family. What will happen though when they are adults? If my boys marry, I hope they find a partner who is kind and forgiving and tolerant. If I want that for my boys, shouldn't I do that for my own husband? Shouldn't I be the kind of wife that I want for my sons? But how do you cuddle up to someone who has critisised you all day? How do you be best friends with someone who yells at you all the time? How do you forgive... Everyday for the same things? I guess it's just a matter of taking one day at a time. Sometimes I get it right and other days I feel bitter and it shows. Maybe though, if I'm willing to try to forgive him everyday, he could do the same for me.

On the hunt for services..

Another crazy day! I discovered that Sebastian can do physio at the hydrotherapy pool. I have put him on the waiting list. I have also put the 3 big kids on the waiting list for 'riding for the disabled'. I think they would get a lot out of it with all their sensory issues. They are all really good with animals and they do qualify to go (I asked quite specifically today if Aspergers was enough). I think they'll love it.
Today I got out a big blank canvas and got the kids (and the dog) to cover it with their handprints. It looks amazing. They decided to write on it "little hands, big dreams". Very cute.
On another happy note, I have managed to convince my father in law to come to kinder gym each week so that both of my little people have an adult to look after them. I think there is a lot to gain from kinder gym if you are on the spectrum. Lots of gross motor activities, one on one time with your mum (and/or grandpa in our case). Also they generally have some structured floor time which I think will be good for them as well as far as learning to sit in a circle, listen to the instructor etc.
I've been considering a Montessori childcare program for Sebastian. He's such a bright kid and I wonder if we should be getting him into a learning program now but I just can't make myself do it. I'm so worried about him feeling abandoned because he won't understand why I'm leaving. He hates being left. I hope that if I put him in kinder gym, take him to playgroup and put him in the crèche once a week at my time and of course spend lots of time with him at home- maybe I can give him everything he needs. He also does OT once a week with Autism SA which he loves. It's good because he has to take instructions from someone who isn't me (which he's not good at) and he's getting one on one attention. This is that "doing it all" thing I worry about. I Just hope I'm getting this right.

Doing it all.

How can I possibly do everything I need to for all 4 kids all the time? Gluten, dairy and additive free for all 4. Gross motor skills and muscle strengthening activities for Seb, fine motor activities for Taylen. Literacy practice for Chloe and on the hunt for a good Maths skills program. I'm trying to teach Noah not to be so dependent on me as he's so anxious. Not to mention the typical school homework, scout badges and general maintenance of 4 children. Throw in the many appointments and it feels like a never ending merry go round. There aren't enough hours in the day and I can't spread myself this thin amongst the kids. I need to split myself in 2.

The worst of it is the guilt. Judgement comes in at a close second. The raised eyebrow when I say "no I still haven't started taking Seb to physio", the look when I explain that I don't have time to help Chloe with her assignment or when Tay's reading log only has 2 entries for the week. I just can't seem to pull everything together at once. If they could just stop for a minute. If Noah could not wrap himself around my legs and Seb could not fight me on every decision I make and the meltdowns could stop and if they could just for a little while manage their own homework and take themselves to their appointments. If I could just get a break for a minute, I'm sure I could get back on top of it. These people don't need to raise their eyebrows at me because I already know what I haven't done and what the impacts are. Don't they know I'm doing the best I can?! Everybody wants to judge but nobody wants to help. It can't just be me. Surely there are more mothers than me shaking there heads wondering how their life turned out like this.

Tired

I'm really tired. It's a never ending circle of therapy and being yelled at by the all the people who are supposed to care about you. I get that their lives are complicated by a differently wired brain. I understand that they feel angry all the time but why do i always have to be the punching bag?

This is just a vent. I'll get over it tomorrow when I watch Tay try really hard at T-ball and at Chloe's 10th birthday party. I'm so proud of the person she is becoming.

People have way bigger problems than me but... this is hard too.

Layers

I took Taylen to the psychologist today and she said "I don't know how you do it". I just said "I'm ok" and kept talking about Tay. It did get me thinking on the way home though about how people must see me. I think there a lot of smaller issues that make my situation look tough. For instance-

Layer 1- I have 4 children
Layer 2- included in those children are a 1 year old and a 2 year old.
Layer 3- I suspect my youngest is heading for an Aspergers diagnosis. I spend a lot of time worrying about him. Noah is extremely clingy, he has a lot of anxiety and I can't put him down for 2 minutes without him screaming and shouting "up". He is also quite rough and bites and gouges when he's cross.
Layer 4- My 3 eldest children all have Aspegers syndrome and eldest son has ADHD as well.
Layer 5- My Husband has Aspergers and ADHD- taking away some of the necessary support I need from the second parent and additionally adding his own set of problems to the mix.

That looks pretty bad but there are people in the world with real problems. There are many people in the world that I wouldn't trade places with. Parents who have a child with cancer, said child battling cancer, wives being beaten daily, parent mourning loss of child- no trade.
I am tired and I do sometimes wonder what people do who don't have all these layers. They might actually have a life. Actually even if they do- no trade. I wouldn't swap my kids for anything. I've learnt a lot from my kids. I have so much more patience these days. I appreciate people's differences and I'm less judgmental. I think I'm doing alright. But if anyone wants to fly me to Paris for a week- I'M IN!!

A word on Sebastian

Sebastian was always an interesting child. From about 6 months I would say to people "he's a funny baby" but they always dismissed my concerns. It took him a long time to start talking. He could say 6 words and then he progressed no further. He had repetitive movements. He would spin and intentionally bang his head and the most obvious sign that things weren't right was his play. He would empty the pieces of a toy out of its container onto the floor and then immediately put them all back in. He would then tip them out again. He did this over and over and over. He also stacked anything he could. He would stack the same 3 clear plastic cups repetitively for an hour or more. Taylen had just been diagnosed with Aspergers so I knew where this was going but the frightening difference was that Seb wasn't gaining words. We weren't looking at Aspergers, we were dealing with Autism. He was diagnosed very quickly and we began intervention immediately. I don't know if it was the hours of therapy, the supplements, the dietary changes or just absolute pure luck but he suddenly progressed RAPIDLY. Sebastian is 2 and a half and no longer qualifies for an Autism diagnosis due to his incredibly ADVANCED speech. It started with a lot of echoing but it quickly became spontaneous language (he does still echo occasionally though). The speech therapist is sure he will still qualify for Aspergers which seems like an almighty gift compared to where we all thought he was heading.
We have discovered that he is incredibly smart. During ABA we repeatedly heard the words "we've never had a 2 year old do this before". He learnt his colours and shapes in the blink of an eye including trickier shapes like pentagon and crescent. He could build towers with blocks from memory, even taking over the therapists role and building a tower and then pointing at it saying "build this". He has learnt to play a lot more functionally- though I often see that he is working from a script in his mind. The train will always crash in the same place. The cow will always get on the track and the trains are never to detach from each other. Still, it's a lot better than the cup stacking.
Sebastian is still very bossy. he has to control his environment all the time. His cup must be a certain colour and he has to choose the animal on his t-shirt. Those are just 2 of the many, many decisions he MUST make for himself every day. I suspect that one day he will be very good at his job as he is such an independent, intelligent perfectionist. Whether he will gain the social skills to have any friends or a partner is yet to be seen. He has a certain charm. He's disgustingly cute and makes friends everywhere he goes. He seems to have a lot of charisma. People are more willing to forgive you for being bossy at 2 though.
This year we will be working on his social skills. He is going to the playgroup where he will eventually attend kindy. He is about to join a kinder gym also and I'm occasionally putting him in the crèche at 'My time'. Of course,we are doing things at home as well. We are trying to get him to share with his siblings, take turns and lose sometimes. I'm about to start trying to play some simple board games with him, so we'll see how that goes.
He is just beautiful. He's a quirky little boy and I think he has a hard road ahead. I kind of feel like I'm his employee... but it's a pleasure working for him.

Time out..the good kind

I think that everyone needs to take some time out. Today I went to 'Quirky Kids', a parent group for people with children with Aspergers/Autism/Sensory processing issues. When ever I hang out with these mums I always come away feeling fantastic. Special needs mums can be incredible. They leave me feeling empowered, hopeful and understood. Parents have been my best source of information since my first child was diagnosed with Aspergers. Back then I did an 'Early Days' workshop for parents just discovering the world of Autism. There I met my wonderful friend Debbie. We immediately became friends and I felt like she had all the answers and she was the first person to truly understand what I was dealing with. Debbie continues to have all the answers. She also continues to be my biggest source of support in my Autism journey. So, i think everyone needs to take some time out but I also think that everyone needs a Debbie.

 Today when Debbie was leaving she said that Chloe makes her feel quite hopeful when thinking of her own aspie daughter's future. Chloe is a couple of weeks shy of ten and she certainly has come a long way. She was only just diagnosed a few months ago. Before that she had to not only deal with the frustrations of her Aspergers but she also had to deal with the frustrations of being told off when she wasn't functioning well because we just saw her behaviour as defiance and laziness when in fact it was despair, anxiety and confusion. I feel bad that she has had to deal with such a heavy load with no support but since her diagnosis everything just fell into place. I now understand her behaviours and what's driving them. Now I can work WITH her. For years before she was diagnosed I would speak to her teachers about why she may have been struggling. They never had the answers. I took her to psychologists and doctors and they couldn't work it out. I think one day, after the 2 boys were diagnosed, I was pondering the issue for about the millionth time and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. She did act differently to the boys but ultimately it was the same deficits holding her back. She just handled it differently. It was no surprise when I did a little bit of research and discovered that Aspie girls and Aspie boys have significant differences. For a start, Chloe does have some empathy. Also she is less self focused than her brothers. She will try quite hard to make others happy. Chloe's number one trouble is the anxiety. She doesn't like a lot of attention and will try to fit in at all costs. Still, we have come a long way from the screaming meltdowns. I'm sure the neighbours thought that we were beating her rather than hovering next to her trying to calm her down. She has a lot of challenges to overcome and obviously she will never lose her Aspergers traits but she is back on track and I no longer panic about where she'll end up in her adult years... well anymore than any other parent. She's a lovely kid with a lot of potential and by far the easiest to deal with in our world of Aspergers.