Yet more negativity

Well what a day.. First I got an almost $1000 quote to have veterinary work done for our dog and it's not optional as he is pretty uncomfortable with an injury. Next I finally went to the GP about my obvious decline in mental health over the last few months. He suggested I start taking prozac and has referred me to a psychologist who specialises in Aspergers (which i don't have). The psych is actually the woman that my husband and children see and therefore she knows my situation. I'm not sure how to feel about this. It was suggested that I think of it as something I am doing for me (for a change) but I'm finding it hard not to feel resentful because it's my situation that has brought me here. I feel driven to it by those who are supposed to care about me. I haven't made a firm decision about what I will do yet but I guess I have to help myself in order to be the best parent I can be.

Taylen (6 with Aspergers and ADHD) had an assessment this afternoon with the OT. It was so hard to watch. He is an incredibly intelligent child and yet getting him to do even the smallest amount of tabletop work is like pulling teeth. It took us 10 minutes to get him to write the alphabet. He fidgeted, he made noises, he asked irrelevant questions but he didn't seem to be able to put pen to paper. I came away feeling completely drained and I think the appointment had the same effect on his teacher's aide. We just kind of stood there trying to console each other. The whole thing made me feel even more forced into trialling Ritalin as the Paed suggested. I feel like my aversion to medication is denying him an education. I feel guilty for considering it but even more guilty for rejecting it.

I also had an appointment with Autism SA to organise Noah's funding for his PDD-NOS diagnosis. While he is eligible for the money, he is not able to be registered for any services and will not be given help at school when he is older unless I can get his diagnosis "upgraded" to Aspergers when he gets a little older (he's 19 months now). It just doesn't seem right.

When I took Taylen to Joeys (scouts) tonight, I just found myself sitting on the sidelines staring at the floor. Usually I get involved as a parent helper. Tonight every parent in the room was standing with their child...except me. I just wanted to curl up in the corner and have a meltdown. I'm sure it was noticed but I just felt like I had nothing left to give to him or anyone else for today.

This special needs thing is a tough gig. Surely it's going to get easier as they get bigger. Here's hoping :)

Cuddly, cute toddlers

I've been loving hanging out with my 2 little people lately. Sebastian climbed up on my bed the other night, cuddled up and said "I love you". I think it's the first time he's been so affectionate. He's nearly 3 and usually keeps me at arms length while he is exploring the world but it turns out he likes me afterall.
Noah who is nearly 19 months has taken to wearing a bin on his head. It's sooo cute. He runs around all excited and absolutely refuses to take it off. Im not sure what he thinks it is but im letting it go for now.
Toddlers are so much fun.

Seb's head

Well in my haste to get to Chloe's school assembly on time because I promised I wouldn't miss it, I had to run into the supermarket to grab some rice milk to keep Noah and Sebastian quiet while we were there. I put Noah in the seat at the front of the trolley and put Seb into the big part. As I pushed up onto the escalator (the flat type) the trolley jerked and Seb fell head first onto the escalator with an incredible bang. The floor was obviously made of metal and it was in this pattern IIIIIIIIII. Two of the ridges stabbed into Sebastian's head and blood started pouring out. I was covered in blood and so was he. I felt like a horrible mother. He was breathing in short little gasps. I took him to the dr. He calmed down and they glued his head. I then raced to the school and amazingly hadn't missed Chloe's performance so at least one thing went right.
He seemed fine for the rest of the night but the following day he started vomiting, refusing food and being lethargic and sooky- all signs of concussion. So off to the hospital we go. They did a cat scan which Seb was fascinated by-"I'm going backwards" (as the bed automatically slid backwards into the machine). He insisted I take a photo. They said he had no bleeds and that he had a beautiful brain :)
The night however was not over because the dr picked up that Sebastian has a heart murmur. She obviously didn't like the sound of it because she made him have a chest x-ray, an ECG and has referred him on to a cardiologist. That appointment is still pending.
I've been trying to clean Seb's head a bit but he won't let me near it and I'm not pushing him. I know as parents we all have these things happen- babies roll off beds, toddlers touch fire places and kids fall of their scooters but when it's your kid it's hard not feel guilty and replay the event over and over. I could have taken an extra 30 seconds and gotten the pram out of the boot or I could have insisted he sat down in the trolley. Lesson learned I guess. I think I've apologised to him enough times. He was saying "I'm so sorry" to the floor when he bumped it which is exactly what I was continuously saying to him. Very cute. Kids are great fun.

Seb in the cat scan machine

Coping

I have come to accept that I only get enough motivation to blog these days when I'm feeling truly miserable. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to look at it as an opportunity to look back on all my negative feelings and feel better about my present in the future because surely life has got to get better than this.
I've had a couple of periods of my life that felt really difficult to deal with. The first was when my husband was leaving for uni by 7am and then going straight to work and arriving home at about 9pm. At the time Noah was a little baby, Sebastian was 1 and very stuck in his development, Taylen was 4 and a very angry little boy and Chloe was 8 and probably at the peak of her bad behaviour. I felt exhausted and like I was carrying far more than my share. The other time is now. 4 kids and a husband on the spectrum mixed with ADHD. I probably shouldn't say this but I feel like I live in a mental institution and I'm the only nurse.
Anyway, when I feel like this I have noticed that I do something a little bit interesting. I remember in Sam's university days whenever I got a chance I would go for a 15 minute walk. It was only about once a week but my memory of doing this is so strong because it was like finding water in the desert..it was just so desperately needed. As I walked I would stare intensely at everything. I wanted to see every detail of every flower, every leaf, even the dirt and gravel. It was like sucking in as much visual input as possible to keep me going until I could escape my prison again. I just wanted to burn what I was seeing into my brain. My overwhelming feeling was and is again now "what about me?" and "how did I get here?". When walking I try to suppress this. I didn't want to think about it even if just for a little while. I try not to dwell on it anyway because my family needs so be okay and that's my first priority but still at least my husband should be giving me something in return for my sacrifices, shouldn't he? I don't know and it's not really my point right now. I just find it amazing how fixated my mind becomes on seeing every vein in every leaf, the vibrancy of the petals and even seeking out the most vibrant of flowers as though they were worth more in my sensory pursuit. Even the bitumen becomes fascinating because it's something for my eyes to process that is not the four walls of my house. It was almost like petrol. I needed to keep taking these visual seeking walks to be able to keep functioning at home. I noticed I would do the same with music. The lyrics meant more and the sound was more beautiful.
The mind is incredible but I wonder if this particular coping method is a little bizarre or if others can relate.