Coping

I have come to accept that I only get enough motivation to blog these days when I'm feeling truly miserable. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to look at it as an opportunity to look back on all my negative feelings and feel better about my present in the future because surely life has got to get better than this.
I've had a couple of periods of my life that felt really difficult to deal with. The first was when my husband was leaving for uni by 7am and then going straight to work and arriving home at about 9pm. At the time Noah was a little baby, Sebastian was 1 and very stuck in his development, Taylen was 4 and a very angry little boy and Chloe was 8 and probably at the peak of her bad behaviour. I felt exhausted and like I was carrying far more than my share. The other time is now. 4 kids and a husband on the spectrum mixed with ADHD. I probably shouldn't say this but I feel like I live in a mental institution and I'm the only nurse.
Anyway, when I feel like this I have noticed that I do something a little bit interesting. I remember in Sam's university days whenever I got a chance I would go for a 15 minute walk. It was only about once a week but my memory of doing this is so strong because it was like finding water in the desert..it was just so desperately needed. As I walked I would stare intensely at everything. I wanted to see every detail of every flower, every leaf, even the dirt and gravel. It was like sucking in as much visual input as possible to keep me going until I could escape my prison again. I just wanted to burn what I was seeing into my brain. My overwhelming feeling was and is again now "what about me?" and "how did I get here?". When walking I try to suppress this. I didn't want to think about it even if just for a little while. I try not to dwell on it anyway because my family needs so be okay and that's my first priority but still at least my husband should be giving me something in return for my sacrifices, shouldn't he? I don't know and it's not really my point right now. I just find it amazing how fixated my mind becomes on seeing every vein in every leaf, the vibrancy of the petals and even seeking out the most vibrant of flowers as though they were worth more in my sensory pursuit. Even the bitumen becomes fascinating because it's something for my eyes to process that is not the four walls of my house. It was almost like petrol. I needed to keep taking these visual seeking walks to be able to keep functioning at home. I noticed I would do the same with music. The lyrics meant more and the sound was more beautiful.
The mind is incredible but I wonder if this particular coping method is a little bizarre or if others can relate.